2015 Update: Joe is finally done in broadcasting, now having been inactive for 5 years, but his internet legacy will remain preserved, in case he decides to ever come back.
Note: This post was originally written on opening day of the 2005 MLB season
The Joe Morgan Drinking Game
By Chris and Kevo.
If you’re an avid baseball fan (or even a casual baseball fan who is keen to his/her surroundings), you’ve surely seen Joe Morgan call a baseball game for ESPN. Someone in Bristol, CT, with their infinite wisdom, has decided that an overrated second baseman is worthy of being the color commentator on the “A team.” We have watched dozens of games where he has provided commentary and we’ve noticed that he has nothing new to say.Thus, the birth of the Joe Morgan drinking game.
Warning: Do not try to play this game with any alcohol with more alcoholic content than beer. Doing so may result in severe brain damage, and you might actually find Joe Morgan insightful.
Rules: You must drink one drink when Joe Morgan:
1) Compares a player to a player of the past who he has played against or with
+1 if the player of the past is mediocre at best (at the player’s discretion)
+2 if he mentions that the player of the past was his teammate
+3 if it’s Ozzie Smith
2) Compares a team to a team he’s played on
+1 for use of the term “Big Red Machine”
3) Makes a passing comment on the weather (once the game has begun)
+1 if he praises the players for playing in adverse conditions
+2 if he repeatedly uses the same phrase for the weather (at the player’s discretion, ex: repeated use of “swirling wind”, “bitter cold”, etc etc)
4) Repeats an attribute of a player
+1 if it is phrased the same as a previous attribute mention
5) Compliments a player for being the “best player in major league baseball at his position”
+1 If the player is not even one of the top 5 at his position (player’s discretion)
+2 If the player was a utility player in the past 2 years
+3 If the player was a minor leaguer earlier in the season
+4 If the player is Pokey Reese
+5 If he says it about both team’s position players (E.G. Jeter and Tejada, both SS) in the same game (in this case, NYY-BAL)
6) Refers to the wrong team (or mispronounces the team or city name)
+1 if the team is not playing in the game at all
+2 if the name is a previous name for a team (e.g. California Angels)
+3 if the name is a previous location for the team (e.g. Milwaukee Braves)
+4 if the team is the Washington Nationals and he calls them the Expos
7) Shows particular interest to something happening off the field
+1 for remarking about fan catching a foul ball
+2 for remarking about the wave
+3 for remarking about a camera shot of a female fan
8) Questions a player’s decision
+1 if the player made the correct decision
+2 if Jon disagrees with Joe
9) Says something that adds absolutely no value to the broadcast*. (Note: this will have you drunk by the top of the third, so use discretion as to whether or not any value has been added)
+1 if Jon has no idea how to respond
10) Shown on camera wearing an out of fashion suit
+1 for bright ties/conflicting colors